In the absence of a man worth thinking about, I ponder the type of man I’m looking for. There are obvious qualities (honesty, intelligence, stunning good looks) that leap to mind, but those don’t interest me much. I care more about refining my radar. Not because I’m hunting for a husband, Lord knows it’s not that. I am just so tired of wasting my time on guys who are going to flake out or freak out or faaaaaaaade out. So, in the cause of saving everyone time, I have compiled a list. Correction: 3 lists.
Permanent
Let us begin with the set-in-stone variety. My childhood, my values, my genetics, etc., all make the following qualities prerequisites (like the SATs or CTCS 190). He must be pro-choice and support gay marriage. Duh. My father and brothers and male cousins average 6′4″ so he must be tall enough that I can wear heels and still look up at him. I can count the number of times I went to church as a kid on one hand, and I was never baptized – that has to be alright with him.
The qualities I’ve listed so far are sort of “he either has ‘em or he doesn’t” traits and are probably very difficult for a guy to change either way. That and the fact that I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind about them make these qualities “Permanent” Dealbreakers. The last three items in this list fall under the “Permanent” category because I have absolutely zero tolerance for them in anybody and so, even if a guy could change and/or improve said characteristic, I wouldn’t stay around long enough to find out. Therefore, the last 3 “Permanent” Dealbreakers: dangerous driver, doesn’t reply to communications (text, phone call, email) promptly, chews with his mouth open… Deal. Broken.
Temporary
I created this “Temporary” list to allow for my own ability to mature, develop patience, re-prioritize, etc. Also because the intensity of my anger towards some things is directly related to their prevalence in the Zeitgeist.
The first on this list is the omnipresent, seemingly omnipotent catch-all phrase, “It is what it is.” That must be the laziest maxim in the English language. It’s like responding to a question about dinner by saying “Red is a color.” It is what it is?! To all the athletes out there propagating this mind-numbing jargon: if you have nothing to say to a reporter, just say “No comment!” It seems fitting, though, that this phrase entered modern parlance through one of the great disappointments of the nascent 21st century. When Al Gore ceded victory to GWB, he said, “I strongly disagreed with the Supreme Court decision and the way in which they interpreted and applied the law. But I respect the rule of law, so it is what it is.” Shame on you, Mr. Vice President, for undoing all your fine work on Global Warming by unleashing this petulant verbage on an unsuspecting world. If a guy says “It is what it is” within my hearing, I lose all interest.
The next entry needs no introduction nor explanation: Nicolas Cage. I cannot stand him. Seriously, his most recent movie KNOWING? The line they chose for the end of the trailer, the hookiest most clever amazing line from genius entertainer Nic(olas) Cage? “Little Boy: Are we going to die? CAGE: I would never let that happen.” So I can only presume this movie recounts Nic’s quest to discover the fountain of youth so his son will NEVER die. A tip: if you like Nicolas Cage, keep it to yourself – no one will be impressed, and I will definitely not sleep with you ever.
And for a bit of seriousness… after a bad burn in my last relationship, I cold refuse to do long-distance again anytime soon. Considering my line of work, it will almost certainly happen again someday, but I will put off that day as long as possible. Long-distance relationships make loving people act cruel and sane people seem crazy. Which reminds me: as well-balanced and trust-worthy as she seems, Juliet on LOST gives me the heebie-jeebies, so if you’re into her, shhhhhhhhhh, at least until Sawyer and Kate get back together and I can nestle in the warmth of their love.
Dealmakers
Now before I get yipped at for heaping on negativity, consider that I was finally motivated to write this post by one of the greatest Dealbreaker lists I have ever heard. A lovely young man recently shared with me that he, in his pursuit of a wife, would not date Mormons, virgins, vegetarians, or red-heads. Lest you think that his list was a way of letting me down lightly, I no longer have red hair. No, this was a friendly conversation, perfectly earnest. The specificity of his list surprised me until I learned that it was not hard-earned wisdom from past relationships – this gem of a list had been handed down from his frat brothers. I envied his certainty (and efficiency!) and wanted to make a list of my own, which you find above.
So let us round out this post with a final catalog. I love boys/guys/men, as all of you know, and so there will always be things they can do that will make me fall in love as fast as the above Dealbreakers will make me turn tail and run. The Dealmakers are small things, acts I cannot brace myself against, and the list grows all the time. For now, we’ll stick to the three Ol’ Faithfuls. First, if he can talk to me about any of my three geekiest favorite books (Ender’s Game, The Grapes of Wrath, Harry Potter), I go weak in the knees. Second, if he can swing or salsa dance and can *really* lead, I am putty in his hands. Third, if he rolls up his right pantleg and hops on a roadbike to get around… it is a wonder I haven’t tackled more boys-on-bikes in this town, they are so dreamy.
If I’m being honest, though, there’s really only one thing that could allow me to forgive a guy for chewing with his mouth open, and that’s courage. And in perhaps my most embarrassing revelation so far, I confess to you, the quickest way for a guy to show me he is both brave and incredibly hot? Put on some eyeliner. We would all do well to take a page from Casey Affleck’s book.
UPDATE! (4/3) Please post your Dealbreakers in the comments! Like, maybe you would never date a blogger…